Pe vremuri, când lucram la o librărie, citeam ca nebunu carţile lui. Azi am recitit doar câteva rânduri:
„Let’s put a chimpanzee in a tiny cage fronted by concrete bars. The animal would go berserk,
throw itself against the walls, rip out its hair, inflict cruel bites on itself, and in 73%
of cases will actually end up killing itself. Let’s now make a breach in one of the
walls, which we will place next to a bottomless precipice. Our friendly sample
quadrumane will approach the edge, he’ll look down, but remain at the edge for
ages, return there time and again, but generally he won’t teeter over the brink; and
in all events his nervous state will be radically assuaged.” (Whatever)
„The absence of the will to live is, alas, not sufficient to make one want to die.”
„Few beings have ever been so impregnated, pierced to the core, by the conviction of the absolute futility of human aspiration. The universe is nothing but a furtive arrangement of elementary particles. A figure in transition toward chaos. That is what will finally prevail. The human race will disappear. Other races in turn will appear and disappear. And human actions are as free and as stripped of meaning as the unfettered movements of the elementary particles. Good, evil, morality, sentiments? Pure ‘Victorian fictions.’ All that exists is egotism. Cold, intact, and radiant.”
„Love binds, and it binds forever. Good binds while evil unravels. Separation is another word for evil; it is also another word for deceit. All that exists is a magnificent interweaving, vast and reciprocal.” (Atomised)
„I’ve lived so little that I tend to imagine I’m not going to die; it seems improbable
that human existence can be reduced to so little; one imagines, in spite of oneself,
that sooner or later something is bound to happen. A big mistake. A life can just as
well be both empty and short. The days slip by indifferently, leaving neither trace nor
memory; and then all of a sudden they stop.” (Whatever)
„The problem is, it’s just not enough to live according to the rules. Sure, you manage
to live according to the rules. Sometimes it’s tight, extremely tight, but on the whole
you manage it. Your tax papers are up to date. Your bills paid on time. You never go
out without your identity card (and the special little wallet for your Visa!).
Yet you haven’t any friends.
The rules are complex, multiform. There’s the shopping that needs doing out of
working hours, the automatic dispensers where money has to be got (and where you
so often have to wait). Above all there are the different payments you must make to
the organizations that run different aspects of your life. You can fall ill into the
bargain, which involves costs, and more formalities.
Nevertheless, some free time remains. What’s to be done? How do you use your
time? In dedicating yourself to helping people? But basically other people don’t
interest you. Listening to records? That used to be a solution, but as the years go by
you have to say that music moves you less and less.
Taken in its widest sense, a spot of do-it-yourself can be a way out. But the fact is
that nothing can halt the ever-increasing recurrence of those moments when your
total isolation, the sensation of an all-consuming emptiness, the foreboding that your
existence is nearing a painful and definitive end all combine to plunge you into a
state of real suffering.
And yet you haven’t always wanted to die.
You have had a life. There have been moments when you were having a life. Of
course you don’t remember too much about it; but there are photographs to prove
it. This was probably happening round about the time of your adolescence, or just